Passion or Past-time?
January 1999: I am sitting in an arena in Dallas-Fort Worth, TX, surrounded by 11,000 other college students. I feel God impressing upon me some pretty powerful, life-changing things, speaking so loud and clear amidst the noise around me; granted, it's not exactly noise, the arena is full of musical worship. The song: Agnus Dei. Holy, Holy; Are you Lord God Almighty? Worthy is the Lamb, worthy is the Lamb. Amen. I am raising my hands in worship. What an amazing feeling!! I am just worshipping God, letting Him see that I am surrendering my life to Him, ready for the purpose He has set forth for me. I feel God telling me about His purpose for my life. I am so excited that He wants to use my vocal talents to help lead people into His presence. He wants to use my organization skills to teach others with the gift of leading musical worship how to be successful in the behind-the-scenes tasks of being a worship leader. He wants to use me!!!
Since that moment, I've committed my life to this calling, His purpose. I've clung to it so that when I got in the way, my actions of worship would push through. I've worked with various worship teams, either helping administratively, working with vocalists, or just helping as a lead worshipper. I've learned lessons about being selfish. I've learned lessons about leading worship versus being a lead worshipper. God has brought me down a few different paths, based on choices I've made and places I've lived; but no matter where I've lived, I've been involved somehow on my church's worship team. Never once have I been made to feel like my time and energy was not worth it, and that I wasn't following God's plan for my life. Never once have I felt like I was insignificant. Never once have I questioned God' plan for my life.
Until lately...
Lately I've been feeling like I've been pushed out of an area in my life that is so important to me. That my passion is just a past-time. That I am just not good enough to be a lead worshipper. Lately I've been feeling like my calling is not a calling, but just something to occupy my time, and more often than not, a hinderance in my busy week.
Were those words 6 years ago from God, or were they my dreams and desires welling up inside me and just gushing forth? Have I been pursuing a selfish ambition? Do I have a selfish heart, is it all about me? Is my talent good enough to help lead people into His presence or is it a distraction to their actions of worship?
I know that I am good enough in God's eyes, and I know that sometimes my heart is not in the right place. I strive daily to make sure my actions of worship line up with the life that I live. Do I make mistakes? YES!! Who doesn't? On the other hand, when does man get the option to step in and hinder someone else?
Is it time for me to move on?
Since that moment, I've committed my life to this calling, His purpose. I've clung to it so that when I got in the way, my actions of worship would push through. I've worked with various worship teams, either helping administratively, working with vocalists, or just helping as a lead worshipper. I've learned lessons about being selfish. I've learned lessons about leading worship versus being a lead worshipper. God has brought me down a few different paths, based on choices I've made and places I've lived; but no matter where I've lived, I've been involved somehow on my church's worship team. Never once have I been made to feel like my time and energy was not worth it, and that I wasn't following God's plan for my life. Never once have I felt like I was insignificant. Never once have I questioned God' plan for my life.
Until lately...
Lately I've been feeling like I've been pushed out of an area in my life that is so important to me. That my passion is just a past-time. That I am just not good enough to be a lead worshipper. Lately I've been feeling like my calling is not a calling, but just something to occupy my time, and more often than not, a hinderance in my busy week.
Were those words 6 years ago from God, or were they my dreams and desires welling up inside me and just gushing forth? Have I been pursuing a selfish ambition? Do I have a selfish heart, is it all about me? Is my talent good enough to help lead people into His presence or is it a distraction to their actions of worship?
I know that I am good enough in God's eyes, and I know that sometimes my heart is not in the right place. I strive daily to make sure my actions of worship line up with the life that I live. Do I make mistakes? YES!! Who doesn't? On the other hand, when does man get the option to step in and hinder someone else?
Is it time for me to move on?
posted by Jessie @ 8:31 PM
1 Comments:
At 1:48 PM,
Anonymous said…
Jessie, I know that finding balance can be tough at times but I also know that you are very good at balancing and keeping your priorities in order. After living with you for a year, it was always obvious that God and your service to God was your top priority. Don't doubt yourself. Just stay committed and everything will become clear in time. I love you too!
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