Emotional Breakdown

Yesterday, the weirdest thing happened to me. I was singing at church, and I led the final worship song of the service. Towards the end of the song I began to feel tears welling up in my eyes. I finished the song, barely made it through the announcements, got off the stage and just started crying on Karis' shoulder. For the next three or four hours, I would try to say something or begin thinking about something and just start crying. I know exactly what is wrong with me...

In case you didn't know, I am on staff with the marching band at Freedom. Last week we found out that the head director is moving to GA (I am very jealous). Now there is a search going on to find someone to take his place. Logistically the easiest thing to do is move the associate director up to the head director's position. If it were only that easy! I have been hearing opinions and theories left and right, both in favor and disapproval of our associate director. It has been rough on me because I can see all sides of all the possible scenarios. I have had to listen to various people and be careful of how I respond to their comments, again both positive and negative. I think it's the negativity that has been taking a toll on me...

Then, last week, for the first time in my teaching career, I basically had to negotiate with my Administration to get the schedule I want in the fall. I don't like being like that way but I felt like I was honestly being treated like crap. So I addressed the situation. I even sent a resume to another school (who knows what'll come of it). I think I got what I want, but I don't like playing the politics game...

Next, I have been on a planning team for a recruiting event for the Celebration Arts ministries at my church. I am working on the information brochure that will be handed out to interested people. During church yesterday, I found out that the evening of the event has been changed and no one informed me. It has been changed to the same evening as Phil's high school reunion. I went to talk to Jay about it, and let him know how hurt I was. I tried to explain that I am not angry that the evening has been changed, but I am hurt that plans changed and no one told me, and that I am disappointed that I cannot attend. I was hurt that once again, the communication chain failed...

Finally, the song I led yesterday was Agnus Dei. This is a very dear song to me because it was while singing this song that I first heard God speak His purpose into my life. The Worship team changed the key into a key that was difficult for me to sing. I knew I could do it, but wasn't as confident as I normally am. Anyway, I stressed all during first service up until the moment I was to lead the song, and did a fairly good job. During second service, I wasn't as nervous, but during the final chorus, my voice completely cracked. I was disappointed because I wanted to do a good job. Well, I looked out into the congregation and there were people standing up, raising their arms in surrender to God. They were not listening to me! They were listening and simging to God! It just struck me hard that God was using my voice to speak to these people and that my talent is not about me, but about what he can do with it. It hit me hard and that is when the flood gates opened.

Brokenness is not an easy thing to go through, but the outcome is very exciting. God is breaking me. I am not sure why. I'm not sure how. I don't know what He is going to do in me, but I am excited about the fruit that will come of it.