Evil and Horrible Ms. Herrick

I have a reputation with students for being the crazy teacher that is demanding. Most of my students say that I expect a lot out of them, but my class is fun at the same time (because I enjoy my subject area). I have a reputation with colleagues for being the peppy, loud-mouthed, young English teacher who looks like one of the students and has a good FCAT rating. Well, today I did something really evil and horrible and feel terrible about it.

My 6th period class is a reading class for the 11th and 12th grade students who have taken the FCAT at least once and failed. They took their retakes in October and just received their scores back last week. More than half of my students passed. Hallelujah!! Of those who failed, I expected about half of them to pass, so I've been feeling really bad for them, and they've been feeling bad for themselves.

Today, towards the beginning of class, one of the kids was complaining about how he didn't pass the FCAT and that the test is crap, blah, blah, blah. For the most part I agreed with him, but on the inside I was pondering the reasons why he didn't pass. He is one of the ones I am confused about because he is really smart (and a little lazy), and has been working diligently all semester long. Later on in class, he was goofing off or talking, I don't even remember. I stopped my lesson, and stood there silently waiting for him to finish. Finally he realized, stopped, and made some smart-alec comment. I got frustrated and responded with, "And you wonder why you didn't pass the FCAT--you sit there and goof off and ignore what I am trying to teach you." I immediately saw the hurt on his face and heard the defensiveness in his voice. He came back with some comment, but I can't remember--it was probably something I deserved. He shut down for the rest of class.

I have been thinking about this incident since school ended today. I feel really horrible. I am supposed to help these kids, not hurt them. I wouldn't be surprised if I lost all the trust from these students I've been working hard all semester to gain. My plan is to apologize to this student before he comes to class tomorrow, and to apologize to the class for demeaning one of their peers in front of them. That still doesn't erase what I did.