Three Years...Almost to the Day

Tomorrow marks the three year anniversary of the finalization of my divorce from Adam. It's not a happy occasion, but it's not a sad one either. I won't be going to the Ale House to have a toast. I won't be going in my closet to find old wedding pictures to burn. I won't be going to the pawn shop to get rid of my ring, and I won't be sitting in a corner crying my eyes out. Looking back, I don't remember everything. I remember the shock, the pain, the relief, but I cannot remember everything as vivid as I thought I would when it was all actually happening.

I can remember the day it happened. It was a normal day, the Tuesday after Easter, April 2005. We both had worked that day, ate dinner together, and then went to worship team rehearsal. We weren't scheduled to be on the worship team, but I was scheduled to sing a solo and Adam was going to play guitar. The song was "I'm Alright" by FFH (how ironic). Something happened where we didn't get to practice, I think someone was sick. We left and were discussing the unorganization of the situation. As you can probably guess, I had some strong opinions about the whole thing. We were sitting on opposite ends of the couch as we talked about what had happened. Adam looked at me and said, "I can't do this." I thought he meant he can't talk about this situation any more, so I asked for clarification; there was something about the look in his face that made me uneasy. "I can't be married to you anymore." I remember breaking into tears and my defenses going up immediately (aside: my hands have begun to shake as I write this...weird). We argued for hours that evening. He slept in the other room. I think I eventually convinced him to sleep in our room, but I remember how awkward it was.

The next morning, I got ready for work (Who wants to teach high schoolers when your world feels like it is breaking down around you?). I remember that my eyes were so swollen from lack of sleep and the tears, that I couldn't put my contacts in. I wore my glases to school and every single one of my students noticed. From that little detail, my students sensed that something was wrong with me, but left me alone about it. Anyway, while I continued to get ready for work, I heard Adam get up to get ready. I can't remember if we had a discussion or if we spoke at all. All I remember is that while he was taking a shower, I went to open the bathroom door to say goodbye and the bathroom door was locked. He never locked the door. I knew we were done at that moment, but I also knew that I did not agree with all of this and I was going to fight.

He did come home from work that day, but we argued that evening as well. He couldn't give me a reason for wanting to separate. We both said very hurtful things, but the only thing I remember saying to him was, "I saved myself for you!" and him saying, "I never wanted to marry you, but I didn't want to let everyone else down." He eventually left our house to stay at a friend's house. He also turned his cell phone off so I couldn't get ahold of him. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep.

At this point, I still hadn't talked to anyone. I felt ashamed. We were both active in church ministry and the Bible states that divorce is not allowed except in cases of adultry. I didn't know how to deal with this. I didn't know who I could talk to. On the way to work the next day, I called the one friend that I felt would let me cry and talk without judging me, Sarah. We talked for a while, but she seemed distant. They only thing I actually remember her saying is that sometimes people have to break up but get back together, and things are much stronger the second time around.

The weekend came. I finally called my parents. It was difficult to make that call in the middle of the night. At this point in my life, I was living in S. Florida and my family was in Orlando, two and a half hours away. They let me cry and tried to understand. There really wasn't much they could do except listen and pray. The next morning, as Adam's parents made their way to our house to help him pack his belongings, I called a pastor friend of ours. I think out of all the phone calls that I had to make, that was the most difficult one. I felt like I was going to be put down and chastised. I was always going to be known as Jessie, the divorcee. That's not what I wanted to hear. I can't remember much of our conversation, except that he prayed with me and helped put my mind at ease about everything. I left our house because I did not want to see Adam's family. I went to a local park with my Bible and prayed and cried. God put peace into my heart. He led me to Isaiah 49:13 (The Lord comforts his people and will have compassion on his afflicted ones.). Once I felt better, I called my two best friends, Lauren and Melanie. They both cried for me and with me. They both prayed for me and with me. They helped me feel better. Melanie tried to help me figure out what was going on. She was the first one to ask if there was another woman involved. "No, of course not. Adam would never do that."

April came to a close, May passed, and June came. Adam and I had little face-to-face interaction, but spoke on the phone from time to time. Some conversations were really good and hopeful, others were very bad and ended in hurtful comments and feelings. We tried marriage counseling, but as soon as I was open to it, Adam decided he didn't want to go anymore. We tried hanging out with friends, it made everyone awkward. Eventually I left our church because he still wanted to attend there. I felt like for something that was considered to be so against the Bible, no one was speaking sense to Adam and telling him that what he was doing was wrong. God told me to step back and let Him work, so I did.

In June, I found out that there was another woman. Above I mentioned a girl named Sarah, the first person I called to talk about all of this. I felt I could talk to her without being judged. Well, as it turns out, even though Adam and I were not divorced, they were dating. To this day, I don't know how far this relationship had gone before Adam left me. I don't know the entire extent of their relationship during that time. I do know that in my eyes, Adam was cheating on me. It may not have been physically, but it was mentally and emotionally. He had put another woman ahead of his wife, therefore he was cheating. A pastor helped me understand that even though the Bible says adultry, it doesn't always mean physical adultry. Adultry can also mean to your wedding vows, to the commitment you made to each other and to God. For the first time, I felt better about the whole thing.

Summer came and I was beginning to heal even though we were technically still married. During this time I was spending a lot of time with a good friend, Erin. She and her husband, along with Clark and Vi, helped me through this entire process. Erin's husband was the only person who tried to speak the Word to Adam more than once. There were a few other people too, but they didn't do anything until they found out about the relationship with Sarah.

During July, August, and September, life began to move on. A new school year had started. I moved to my own apartment. I was visiting Orlando frequently (I finally decided to move back once the school year had ended). I had friends in Stuart. I was attending a different church even though I didn't want to. I would hear about Adam and Sarah, but I learned to accept it. Adam and I had a little contact, but nothing substantial. Finally, in October the divorce papers came. I refused to sign them until we had sat down with Chan--together. Adam agreed. We both met a Chan's house one morning in October. I brought Melanie with me so she could look over the papers. From what I could gather, Chan had breakfast with Adam before I got there and tried to make Adam tell him what's going on. Adam didn't care. He wanted out. We talked, I cried, Chan spoke. Nothing was going through, so I signed the papers. The judged signed them on November 13, 2002.

Since then, I have grown a lot. I moved back to Orlando and have become a different person. Don't get me wrong, I am still the same fun-loving, goofy Jessie, but I look at things differently. I try to find the positive before the negative. I have become more accepting of people. I am stronger and more faithful. I also look at relationships differently, love relationships, friends, family, etc.. I could sit here and try to analyze what went wrong, but what good would that do? I have made mistakes, people have hurt me, I've hurt people. I've asked for forgiveness and have granted forgiveness. I've heard from people about Adam--he married Sarah in the summer of 2004. Who cares? I've moved on in my life. I am happy, I am successful, I am surrounded by friends and family, my relationship with God has grown stronger, I love my church, I am in the best love-relationship I've been in, and I don't think I could have ever experienced any of that without going through my marriage and divorce. It's crazy how God always has what's best for us at the forefront, no matter how painful it may be when we are walking through that valley.