Emotional Breakdown

Yesterday, the weirdest thing happened to me. I was singing at church, and I led the final worship song of the service. Towards the end of the song I began to feel tears welling up in my eyes. I finished the song, barely made it through the announcements, got off the stage and just started crying on Karis' shoulder. For the next three or four hours, I would try to say something or begin thinking about something and just start crying. I know exactly what is wrong with me...

In case you didn't know, I am on staff with the marching band at Freedom. Last week we found out that the head director is moving to GA (I am very jealous). Now there is a search going on to find someone to take his place. Logistically the easiest thing to do is move the associate director up to the head director's position. If it were only that easy! I have been hearing opinions and theories left and right, both in favor and disapproval of our associate director. It has been rough on me because I can see all sides of all the possible scenarios. I have had to listen to various people and be careful of how I respond to their comments, again both positive and negative. I think it's the negativity that has been taking a toll on me...

Then, last week, for the first time in my teaching career, I basically had to negotiate with my Administration to get the schedule I want in the fall. I don't like being like that way but I felt like I was honestly being treated like crap. So I addressed the situation. I even sent a resume to another school (who knows what'll come of it). I think I got what I want, but I don't like playing the politics game...

Next, I have been on a planning team for a recruiting event for the Celebration Arts ministries at my church. I am working on the information brochure that will be handed out to interested people. During church yesterday, I found out that the evening of the event has been changed and no one informed me. It has been changed to the same evening as Phil's high school reunion. I went to talk to Jay about it, and let him know how hurt I was. I tried to explain that I am not angry that the evening has been changed, but I am hurt that plans changed and no one told me, and that I am disappointed that I cannot attend. I was hurt that once again, the communication chain failed...

Finally, the song I led yesterday was Agnus Dei. This is a very dear song to me because it was while singing this song that I first heard God speak His purpose into my life. The Worship team changed the key into a key that was difficult for me to sing. I knew I could do it, but wasn't as confident as I normally am. Anyway, I stressed all during first service up until the moment I was to lead the song, and did a fairly good job. During second service, I wasn't as nervous, but during the final chorus, my voice completely cracked. I was disappointed because I wanted to do a good job. Well, I looked out into the congregation and there were people standing up, raising their arms in surrender to God. They were not listening to me! They were listening and simging to God! It just struck me hard that God was using my voice to speak to these people and that my talent is not about me, but about what he can do with it. It hit me hard and that is when the flood gates opened.

Brokenness is not an easy thing to go through, but the outcome is very exciting. God is breaking me. I am not sure why. I'm not sure how. I don't know what He is going to do in me, but I am excited about the fruit that will come of it.

DCI

On Saturday, Phil took me to see the DCI (Drum Corps International) competition at the Citrus Bowl. For being my second DCI show, this one was ok. I wasn't completely impressed by any of the corps, but I was informed that it is very early in the season, so they will only get better before August. I think my favorite shows of the evenings were performed by The Boston Crusaders and the Blue Coats. My favorite moment of the evening was when The Glassmen were doing some sort of visual move in their show. All the performers were laying on the ground, moving their arms, legs, and heads this way and that in some sort of choreographed move. All of a sudden one of the baritone players picked his head up and puked! He put his head back down, did a move, picked his head back up and puked again!. Then (and this is the worst part) the choreography required everyone to roll onto their side. Well this baritone player rolled right into his own puke...never missing one beat! It was absolutely horrid. I felt so bad for the guy. Talk about being dedicated. Ummm...not so much!!! Corp life would never work for me.

BTW: I've added a few things to my blog so be sure to look around and leave comments. I want to hear from everyone!!

Not a great picture but I think this is The BlueCoats.
DCI, Orlando, FL
June 25th, 2005

WOW!!

I just opened my bible and read this verse:

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me--the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace. -Acts 20:24

Wow!! What an amazing thought! My life is worth NOTHING unless I am being an example of God's love and grace in all that I do. Now...is everything I do for Him?

A Servant's Heart

In my small group we are doing a study on the heart of a servant. Today's bible reading is Ephesians 4:11-13: It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.

As I sit here and ponder these verses, the phrase unity in the faith jumps out at me. God gives all of us specific talents and abilities to help glorify his kingdom. One gift intertwines with another to make this body unite. That is too cool!!

I recently took a spiritual gifts test. My highest gift is administration, but my lowest gift is giving. I take that as I am really good at organizing events and schedules, but without the people who give time and money, there would be nothing to schedule because the church wouldn't be able to afford to hold events. What a concept!! We all work together to spread His word and the bring glory to His name.

God has been convicting me in this area. I am always the first to voice my opinion on the worship team, but I don't spend enough time praying for the function of the team, for the members of the team, for the leaders of the team, and ultimately His goal for the team. Without that prayer and support, there will be no team to be a part of. I need to take on my role as an administrator and set an example of prayer for the rest of my teammates. I need to offer my gifts to the leaders, to help make their job easier. WOW!! Thanks God!!

Today's Spelling Test

Use each of the following words correctly in a complete sentence, citing the difference between each usage:

your and you're
to, too, and two
there, their, and they're
buy, by, and bye
a lot and a little

Can you believe that most of my students cannot differentiate between these words? What is going on with our education system?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

BTW...

SUMMER SCHOOL SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know who wants it to end more, me or the students. I just have to keep telling myself that there are only two weeks left, and it is a financial girft from God.

(SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!)

Bowling is the Bomb!!

So I learned a very important lesson this weekend: you MUST make time for your girlfriends. That is honestly the only way to keep a well-balanced life. I went bowling with a small group of ladies from church and we had an absolute blast!! My bowling game was horrid but the female bonding was great!!

I have never felt very close to women except for in a few instances. I've always had my best girlfriends, but my closest relationships have always been with guy friends (not as in a boyfriend whom you date). I have often had walls up around women. I'm not quite sure why. I've never been physically, emotionally, or mentally abused by a woman. A really close woman in my life has ever died. I have a good realtionship with my mother and sisters...I just don't know. I have had rocky relationships with women, and I am a women so I know how catty, petty and dramatic we tend to be. That's the only reason I have for shutting women out.

Anyway, in my small group we've talked about the desire to have close relationships with other women and have all been trying really hard to trust women and to be held accountable by women. I have been able to feel these bonds tighten with these women. Some of us have been challenging each other to strengthen our relationship with Christ. We've been hanging out together more, and we've been brainstorming ideas of ways to get other women involved in our group.

I have been blessed by this small group of girls. Thank you God for bringing such amazing women into my life!! Ladies, please continue to challenge me and force me to grow. I love the example that you have set before me. I hope these relationships continue to grow and carry on over the next few years. Who knows, maybe some of you will be in my wedding (if I ever get married again). Love ya!!!! MUAH!!!!

Update on Howie

Here is the latest message from Jennifer, Howie's wife:

God has answered all our prayers. Howie has a brand new heart. He came through with flying colors. PRAISE GOD!!! The transplant coordinator said it was the shortest wait for a heart in the history of their transplant program. WOW God is so good. Howie is really hooked up to a lot of stuff and can't talk or have visitors, but if he could I know he would say THANKS everybody for praying. I'm counting this as a miracle. LOVE JENNIFER

I echo her thanks for your prayers. Keep praying that Howie's body heals perfectly and quickly. Also pray for Howie family, I am sure they are exhausted.

Please Pray for Howie

If you are a praying person, a dear friend from church is having a heart transplant at midnight tonight. He is at a heart-hospital in Gainsville and the last word we got from his wife is that Howie's case has been diagnosed as urgent and he has been put to the top of the transplant list. Pray that a heart becomes available, that the surgery goes well, wisdom for the doctors, for Howie's strength, and for his family's strength.

For those of you who know Howie, I am sure you'll agree that he is one of the nicest men with the sweetest spirits I've ever seen. Please, please, please take a moment this evening and lift him up in prayer.

A Sigh of Relief

Well, the school grades are in and Freedom High earned a C!!!! I am so happy. A weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I can relax for a few months before it all starts again.

Ah, the joy of being a teacher...

Quite the Eventful Weekend

Man, this weekend was jam-packed! On Friday, I worked on getting all my Summer School lessons in order. I am not looking forward to teaching this summer, but I just keep reminding myself that God gave me this job to cover my finances during the summer. When Phil was done with his mini-camp, we went to Steve and Melanie's. As always, we had a lot of fun. We played Phase 10 until 12:30 in the morning. Phil had never played before so it was fun watching him get the hang of it. Katie and Matt announced that they had gotten engaged the evening before, so of course wedding/marriage was the topic of conversation more often than not. Poor Phil got the brunt of that stick. He just gracefully ignored the comments and said, "Huh?' whenever someone asked when we're getting married. It's humorous (at times). Congratulations Katie and Matt!!!

On Saturday, I spent the day with Melanie and her children. Her mom cut and highlighted my hair, and I am still not sure if I like it. Phil, Melanie, and my other friends like it, but I am still not used to it yet. While I was with Melanie, I watched as she took care of her family. She is an amazing mother! I watched in awe as she loaded and unloaded the car, changed diapers, cleaned up throw up, etc... I could never be a mother! Melanie, I am impressed!!!

On Sunday, Phil played keyboard with the Worship Team!! I am so happy. My mom and I have been praying for a while that Phil would grow strong in his relationship with Christ and then find a ministry in which to serve. It was fun watching him on stage (I didn't sing this week, but eventually he and I will be on the same team), struggling to hear himself and make faces whenever he would mess up. The best part was when he began singing as he was playing!! He never sings!! It was so cool. Later in the afernoon, Phil and I went to a funeral for the father of one of his students. It was sad but it looked like the wife was happy to see Phil and I had come to pay our respects. I have never met the man, but I have met his wife and daughter a few times. They are a really nice family, and it was sad to watch everyone say goodbye.

Today, Summer School and my job at Sylvan began. Also, Phil is out of town for a week, so this is going to be a crappy week. I am teaching FCAT Writing to two different groups of incoming 9th graders everyday. Wow!! What an odd age-group. I've never taught this age group before. They are so immature and little. The things they say are very funny though. I can't wait to see some of these kids when they get to my 10th grade class in two years. The best part about today was realizing that I was some of these kids first introduction to the high school experience...MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

God's Masterpiece

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. -Psalm 139:13-16

We read this verse at small group the other day and then pondered on the idea of being God's masterpiece. What is a masterpiece? I think of something created so perfectly, that you just step back and stare at it in awe and wonder. It is something you are so proud of that you place it somewhere to be seen by someone or everyone. If this is my working definition of a masterpiece and God created me as a masterpiece, then I have a problem with this. I'm excited that He has made me wonderfully and fearfully and that he considers me as his masterpiece, but am I someone that people should sit back and stare at in awe and wonder? What a responsibilty! I know I am not perfect because I am a sinful person, we all are! If God knew me before I was even formed, then He knew how I would turn out, what choices I would make, what circumstances I would encounter. He created my path, "all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be," yet I choose the stops along the way. Hmmm...

I could go round and round with this but I think it all comes down to one thing: God created us, He knows our past, present, and future. When we entered the world, we entered into sin. It is that sinful nature that will create stops along the path God has already paved for us. God loves us, no matter what and has the desires of our heart waiting for us. It is because we are His children that we decide to stop and ask where He wants us to go and what he wants us to do. We were created fearfully and wonderfully in His eyes. once we accept that, we can accept the task of being God's Masterpiece.

IT'S OVER

Well, at about 2:30 this afternoon, I turned in my keys, and the 2004-2005 school year officially ended. Don't get too excited--summer school starts next Monday.

All-in-all, it was a good year. I have grown so much as a teacher this year. I really feel that this has been my strongest year thus far. I am learning how to be much more demanding, and how to challenge my students to think on their own. Unfortunately, the community in which I teach, has a good bit of wealthy, needy (oxymoron?) children. They expect you to do everything for them, always look for the easy way out, don't put forth more effort than absolutely necessary, and don't understand the meaning of the word RESPECT. I am learning how to deal with that and have decided that next year I am really going to have to learn how to rule with an iron fist. It's not really in my personality, but if I am going to expect these kids to master the skills needed to graduate high school, I've got to demand more. It's rough, but I'm committed to getting there.

On another note, I got my FCAT scores today. 21% of my students failed!! I was not happy about this, so I started asking around. Even the best teachers in my department had poor scores. It's amazing to me that no matter how hard we try to work with these kids to prepare them for this test, and no matter how much we stress the importance of this test, the kids still don't take it seriously. I have never been one of those teachers that "teach to the test" and I refuse to do that, but I am going to have to seriously look at the way I am teaching because these kids are lazy and just don't want to do the work. Let me give you an example of how lazy these kids are: I have a student who scored a perfect score last year when she was a 9th grader. This year she scored 123 points LOWER because she "didn't feel like sitting there the whole time." BS!! And that, my friends, is the future of this country. But what do I know, other than how to read and write?!?! ;-)

ANyway, the school year is over. I got a few days off and then get back into the classroom next Monday. Ah, the joys of being an adult...

New Group, Same Spot

Last Friday, Phil and I were invited to spend some time with a new group of people. They are all people we know from the district music departments, but we've never really had an opportunity to hang out with them in a social setting. After a few days of trying to figure out where the heck we were going to eat dinner, we all finally decided on The Cheesecake Factory. I was craving mashed potatoes and ended up eating quasadillas (but Phil let me eat some of his potatoes). Good food, expensive drinks, great company. After dinner, we stood outside the Millenia Mall for roughly an hour, just shooting the breeze and trying to decide where to relocate to. We ended up at my favorite place--Club Ale House!! We ended up sitting around and talking until 1 am. It was so much fun--these people were a trip!! Afterwards, Phil and I agreed that we have to do that again sometime. Thanks for the invite Tracey!!

On Saturday night, we all went out to Cowboys to celebrate the end of the school year and my acceptance into grad school. Before meeting Melanie and Katie, we went to dinner with a couple of Phil's friends from his hometown. We ate at Pat O'Brian's in Citywalk. We've been there before so it was no big deal--just a huge check. Then we finally headed to OBT for some line-dancin'!! I don't know what was up, but for some reason every guy we were with was experiencing PMS at some point in the evening. I must say though, my guy had THE WORST case of it!! I was actually very surprised at how Phil was acting. It was very evident (and uncomfortable at times) that he did not want to be there, but instead of saying something beforehand, he just sulked the entire night. Whatever--I had a good time anyway. Me, Katie, and Melanie danced the entire evening. We stayed out longer than we normally do and danced more than we normally dance--even Katie's boyfriend got out on the floor for a little bit. I had so much fun. The only bad thing was that Phil didn't ask me once to slow dance (insert awwww here: ______), and we ended the evening in an argument (but with a good resolution).

Phil's mom was in town on Sunday and Monday, so I took advantage of the alone-time and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned. I also started a new book. I've decided that this summer I am reading for me, not my students. I am reading books that I want to read, not just YA Lit.

It ended up being a great last weekend of the school year!!